Every time someone calls me fat I get so depressed I cut myself... a piece of cake.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.
Are you a parking ticket? Because you have fine written all over you.
Q: What is always spelled wrong in the dictionary?
Did you hear about the crab that went to a disco? He pulled a mussel.
A man took his date to a zoo. They were disappointed to find that it only contained one animal: a dog.
It was a shitzu.
Two antennas got married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was excellent.
Q: What did the mayonaise say when someone opened the refrigerator door.
A: Close the door I am dressing!